The Other Face of Love
“It’s so hot! Why did we come out on such a hot day?!”
“Miss Ku, Miss Ku, can I go to the bathroom?”
“…Can I get a drink? I’m very thirsty!”
“Miss Ku, I’m hungry. Let’s stop; I want something to eat!”
And the Israelites grumbled in the wilderness, “What shall we drink?” “Would that we had died by the Lord’s hand in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat, when we ate bread to the full; for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.”
“Miss Ku-u-u, Brendon’s bothering me. He hit me….”
“No, she called me short!”
Now the people became like those who complain of adversity in the hearing of the Lord….
“Miss Ku, are we there yet?”
“My toes hurt, Miss Ku. Ahhh!! Miss Ku-u-u, my toes hu-u-u-rt!”
“I’m very tired! Can we rest here?!”
“Sigh….”
Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.”
On humid summer trip days, taking my complaining sixth graders through the busy streets of New York City has often made me think of the Exodus of the Israelites through the wilderness to the Promised Land. In the face of physical hardship, my kids would become utterly irritated with each other, with the heat, weariness and thirst as we crept slowly to our destination.
Like the Israelite sojourner, I also have often faced spiritual opposition. At Yale, I have had to deal with difficulties in interpersonal relations with both believers and non-believers, in addition to dealing with the highly intellectualized and relativistic environment. At times, in a desire to shrink back and become a part of the wallpaper, I have tried to strike a deal with the Lord, such that He would allow me to do less of His work.
At Yale, I have had to deal with difficulties in interpersonal relations with both believers and non-believers, in addition to dealing with the highly intellectualized and relativistic environment.
But, knowing that I could not compromise, I would sink back in my chair and desperately cry out, “God, I’m tired, and I’ve just about had it with this. I just can’t face Yale and all that is to come. It’s just too hard!”
I was complaining, and the Lord led me to Hebrews 12:1-3: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
As I read those verses, I thought: “How do I throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles? Why is it I’m so tired and cannot run? I know I’m wrong, but why am I so unwilling to die to myself? I’m sorry, God, but my heart refuses to be placed where You choose to put me. I don’t want to go back to school. Lord, how does your death and resurrection relate to me now? I feel so dry and worn!” All these questions raced through my mind, but the last verse of the passage in Hebrews jumped out at me. I read it over and over again and asked the Lord to help me understand it.
At a Bible study that evening, I listened intently when a woman spoke about a week-long retreat on the theme of revival. She said that the flames of awakening must be fanned first in the Body of Christ, before they can spread to non-believers. I thought to myself, “Yep, that’s exactly what I need, Lord—REVIVAL!” The sister said that the believers at the retreat encouraged each other saying, “Just hold on a little longer….”
I perked up at these words and was also helped when we sang “I’m Going Through,” a song about remaining true to the Lord no matter what others do. I said to the Lord, “Are You trying to speak to me?!,” but I dismissed the thought because the Bible study was on Matthew 27—Jesus’ trial before Pilate and His crucifixion. What did that have to do with me? But a brother then spoke vividly and graphically about the torment the Lord suffered on the Cross. He cited Psalm 69, which likens the Lord’s death to a man drowning in water. On the cross, all Jesus’ weight hung on His arms so that His chest muscles could no longer support His lungs. The result was slow suffocation—I was horrified at the thought as we read: “Save me, O God, for the waters have threatened my life. I have sunk in deep mire, and there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and a flood overflows me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; my eyes fail while I wait for my God” (Psalm 69:12-13).
The brother went on to describe Jesus’ total separation on the cross from His Father who, because of His holiness, could not look upon the sin His Son bore for our sake. What glee Satan and his cohorts must have felt, seeing Jesus dying helplessly: “Many bulls have surrounded me; strong bulls of Bashan have encircled me. They open wide their mouth at me, as a ravening and a roaring lion” (Psalm 22:12-13). I shivered at this thought of the seething darkness and utter evil that my Lord faced as He hung there waiting for death. Spectators challenged Jesus to come down from the cross, if He truly was the Son og Fod, a good example of how the Enemy tempts us to compromise God’s purposes.
Suddenly it became clear what Hebrews 12:3 meant. Jesus agonized for me, and did not grudge or complain. He was willing to die for me because He loved me. Yet I never stopped before to consider what the Lord endured for me; just before the study started, I had dismissed the thought of the Lord’s speaking to me because we were “just” studying His crucifixion.
What’s more, I saw that I behaved like a real fool, complaining about facing spiritual opposition at Yale. I didn’t know the first thing about real misery, when I compared my petty trouble to what He suffered.
The Lord gave me His perspective. Now I cannot possibly run away from Him. Now, I owe Him my life.
Ruth Ku